Not born critical or free

By onelife

There was a young girl born in strife ...

If a person stabs you once, and you scream out in natural pain; but then they say ``it was a mistake, an accident, a misunderstanding, unintended; I LOVE you, please forgive me, I apologise!". And you accept their apology in the spirit of honesty and forgive them and continue your relationship with them.

But then they happen to stab you again, and again you scream out in natural pain, and you are naturally a bit angry. But then, again, they say ``Ok, ok, don't be angry, put it away! For this time it was a slightly different mistake, a slightly different accident, a slightly different misunderstanding, here's a slightly different story, unintended! I LOVE YOU, please FORGIVE and forget, I apologise!" And in the spirit of honesty and harmony and your love and trust for them, you calm your anger and swallow your pain, and accept their apology and forgive them and try to forget, and continue your relationship with them. And they are very happy, and they ply you with material things. And though you are still a little bit hurt inside, you are happy to please them.

And yet they stab you again and again. And your pain grows now with so many stabbings. But when you protest in anger at the injustice of this repeat violation of your being, they now abruptly and defensively turn back at you and tell you but it was your fault", for not talking up, for letting it build up, for having too high expectations of people and life because accidents happen! You should be accepting and forgiving and humble. And maybe you are imagining things. They fear that you may bementally-ill"! You hear from each of them, in different low-level subtle ways, chronically, over a lifetime, that you are somehow wrong and bad and weak and sick and a problem. And you feel this is not quite right; something is not quite right; but in the spirit of your love and trust for them, and because everyone and society seems to be telling you that you should be loving and loyal and submit to the authority of these people, you take them seriously.

Yet they keep stabbing you; sometimes it's not quite a stab---a cut, a slice, a slip of the hand? You don't even know any more.

And you start to think that maybe it is your fault, that you need to change, be better. That you need to be different to who you are. And you start to think to yourself that maybe you are a bit crazy, because your feelings and ideas seem to be at odds with everyone who says they love you. If they love you, why would they hurt you? It must be for your own good, because they love you, of course. Love is pain, naturally, why not? Since that is all you've ever known, so it must be normal... right? And you feel guilty and ashamed.

And for a lifetime you come to feel so guilty and ashamed of yourself for not being accepting and forgiving and humble and ever good enough to these people who, though they keep accidentally stabbing you, have provided for your material life.

Never mind your emotional and psychological well-being; because no one can see that for sure. And by now you yourself have such little sense of self and self-worth that you don't even know that your psychological well-being should be just as valid and matter just as much as that of every other human being's. The basic human respect and value you give and act towards others, you don't realise should be given equally to you.

And the unintentional"accidental" stabbings, with the empty apologies and the false promises to change, never stop. They never stopped.

How many ``accidental" repeat physical stabbings by a family member would it take before you're willing to call this abuse?

And how is it different if the stabbings and damage and destructive pain are psychological? I've now clearly seen and firmly believe, with a view from outside this family, that it's not. And as Rosie Batty recognised, I'm completely convinced of now is that psychological violence is possibly more dangerous" than the physical. She says,psychological violence is increadibly concerning, and somehow we have to work out how we take that into account very seriously."

... Fed "love" first as daughter, and then wife. A lifetime of lies Her mind finally dies...

And I learned that words...are just words. "Sorry" is just a word.

My body went first, tingly. Then brain, numb.

For days, I thought "Is this finally psychopathy.....?"

But the feeling gradually returned. Namely pain.

And I saw We are not born free, "not born critical of existing society".

A prolonged gestation. To find my voice, my truth.

To find me.

Our human responsibility to be Not just seem to be.

Kept blind for a long lifetime.

But now I truly see...