A Complete Woman

By Yasmin

My marriage was arranged by my parents in Pakistan. I had a burn mark on my arm from when I was a child, so I was really worried about getting married and what my husband would think. The first night, he told me I wasn’t a complete woman; that I had something wrong with my body.

He was always controlling me. If I wanted to go to my parents’ house or see my friends, he wouldn’t let me. He would get upset with my daughter and tell me I was setting a bad example. He would make her get up in the middle of the night to fetch him a cup of water, then get angry if she wanted to sleep. He made me hit my daughter as punishment, until I refused to do it anymore.

Once we had a fight, and I went with my daughter to my parents’ house and asked them for help. They told me this was a personal matter, and they couldn’t take me back. That was a shock for me, that my own parents wouldn’t support me.

When my daughter was 9, we came to Australia. My husband was a teacher but he was drinking and smoking, and watching pornography in front of the children. In Australia, he became even more possessive and controlling. He wouldn’t let me go to my church where all my friends were. He wanted me to go to a different church that he chose.

I tried to be a good mother and a good wife, but he was never happy. He kept blaming and blaming and blaming. I wanted to take out a protection visa from Pakistan, and during that process, I talked to my lawyers and case workers and told them my husband wasn’t treating me well and I wanted to kill myself. I told them I was scared that my husband would do something to the children or would kill me. They arranged counselling for me. The counsellor gave me a list of phone numbers in case I wanted to call someone for help.

My husband started accusing me of cheating on him. He claimed the children were not his, especially my son, and wanted a DNA test. That was breaking point for me. My religion doesn’t allow me to be with another man. Meanwhile, he had been having affairs the whole time we were in Pakistan.

My husband’s abuse got worse. He would take us shopping in the market, and then drive off and leave me with the children and all the shopping. Once, he started beating me in the car in front of the children. I was so upset that I called the church, but no one was available, so I called the number my counselor gave me. The police arrived and they took my husband away. After that I got an intervention order for 3-4 days, and I went to the Magistrates Court and they asked if I wanted him to stay or go. I thought I could let him come back, and tell the judge to make him go to counselling. He refused but he said he wouldn’t beat me anymore. When we came back from the court, he didn’t speak to me or the children for almost 3 months. We were sleeping in one room, the kids and me, and I couldn’t sleep the whole night, scared he would come and kill me. We had a puppy and he would keep on hitting it, until the children and I started crying. He said, ‘The court said I can’t hit you, but they didn’t say I can’t hit the puppy’.

After 3-4 months, I had stomach pains and the doctor said I had gallbladder issues. I had to have surgery, but I knew my children weren’t safe with him. After my surgery I was calling them until the early morning and they weren’t picking up, and I was terrified that he had killed them. I called a neighbour and asked her to check on the kids. She called and said it was fine, everyone was sleeping. When I got out of hospital I saw my son had a fever. Nothing had been done around the house. He refused to help at all.

Eventually my husband suggested we separate. He thought he was giving me a punishment, but I was really happy. But after a few weeks he came back in the middle of the night and got straight into my bed. He threatened to break my teeth and break me apart and hurt my children. I told the police, and they put out an intervention order on him. But he kept threatening me with phone calls from different numbers. I was really scared. Luckily my neighbours are really supportive and knew what was going on. If I screamed or was in trouble they would help me.

One day he called me to say he was going back to Pakistan. I haven’t heard from him now in over a year. I am working and getting support. It was a big thing for me to learn how to survive here. My parents are angry that he came back and I didn’t, but if I had stayed with him he would’ve killed me.

Despite the fact that my marriage was abusive, I am grateful that I had my children. They are my whole world and they bring me joy.