Finally seeing the light...

By Sammy

I met my husband just over 2 years ago. I was in awe of him - he seemed to be so capable, accomplished and exciting. He was so handsome too, I couldn't believe my luck. Someone liked me, found me attractive and seemed to think very highly of me. I always worried I was too much, that men wouldn't like me because I did so many different things - sport, painting, playing music, studying etc

At the start it was amazing - we would have long intelligent conversations interspersed with great humour. He made me laugh. We did sport together, it was exhilarating and I felt so utterly proud to be with this man.

Things got very serious very quickly. He laughingly said I wouldn't have have a choice but to fall in love with him. Whilst a bit unnerved, I also felt excited by his confidence. He was disarming. He then said 'You're mine!', wrapping me up in his arms. Again, I got this nagging feeling. When I mentioned it to a friend she looked at me in a funny way, and I immediately defended him, saying he was mine too. My defence of him would continue for a long time, even in the face of losing an extensive friendship network.

He then told me he had suffered throughout his childhood. Awful stuff. I was surprised - he seemed so confident and certain. I thought, wow - he's done so incredibly well considering what he's been through. Then our first argument happened. It was a total shock. He went from fine to sullen - I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn't answer. All of a sudden he exploded in fury at me. Saying he had to do everything and I did nothing around the house. I was totally shocked. Where did steps 1,2 and 3 go? I was stunned - I was watching him and tried to reason with him but he had an answer for everything and suddenly this intelligent woman was left absolutely speechless not knowing what on earth to say or do. I didn't leave. I don't know why.

Over time, he admonished me for my sexual past - getting angry about it. Saying he needed to change the bed because I had other men in it. He would fly off the handle about things that seemed so small to me. He accused me of being uncaring when I didn't go around one night. I was horrified - of course I am caring, I'm so sorry, I won't do it again...

During one or our early arguments, he was so angry, almost spitting at me because I was going out to see some friends. I went anyway, with him storming after me, shouting about how I was leaving him, I was walking away. I got in the car and got to my friends and burst into tears. I rarely caught up with friends alone after that.

I could see he was hurting. His past swallowed him up. He blamed his emotional outbursts on being bullied at work or being in a very stressful working envionment (which he was, I think, although I'm not really sure anymore).

He asked me to marry him very quickly and I said yes. The arguments increased. I thought I was doing something wrong. Is it me? Am I bad at communication? My psychologist suggested maybe I shouldn't marry him. I never saw her again. I was horrified - I can't cancel the wedding! How embarrassing!

I suggested we saw a counsellor to learn how to communicate with each other. God he was good. He seemed so incredible, holding my hand, saying how he loved me and wanted to work at things. The counsellor was in awe of us. Saying how beautiful we were. I couldn't quite seem to get the words out about how I really felt. I just kept thinking there was something wrong with me.

The wedding was painful. He got so agitated with everything we had invited. I had to keep taking him outside, being with him to calm him down. Something happened and we were angry at our friends. I defended him. I never spoke to them again until this week. 1 and a half years later.

Things got increasingly worse. I was on eggshells all the time. He would say I didn't want sex with him. I would feel so guilty. I would have sex just so he wouldn't get angry and learnt to make sure I initiated it a lot. I convinced myself that I wanted it too. It was good. But I didn't like the pressure. He would get so angry if we went a few days without intimacy. But he wasn't into hugs.

I got increasingly concerned about the past being present for him. He would get nightmares and he would snap. He would scream and shout and blame me. He stood over our bed where I was in tears from another argument and he pointed at me, screaming - 'why are you crying, were you abused? were you?! where are your wedding vows now? I upheld mine, where are yours?!'. I was terrified. I walked on eggshells, trying not to breath, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing but I could never get it right! No matter what I did, I provoked him.

He seemed to do the right things. He went to doctors about his mental health. He went to a psychologist. But nothing seemed to work. I went to a counsellor to learn how to be a better wife to him. My sessions soon turned into counselling for me because I was so distraught. I got unexplained stomach pains. I got a stress rash on my hand. I stopped sleeping well.

He started getting violent. He would throw things. He threw his laptop on the floor. His mobile phone smashed in front of me. He grabbed knives from a draw saying he was going to stab himself. Then he would say, he couldn't do this, it was all too much, he couldn't like like this and he was going to leave. I pleaded with him, 'please don't leave me', 'let me help you', 'I love you so much'. I would be desperate.

One argument he blocked my exit from the house. Chested me. When I finally got away he stood behind car, continuing to shout at me. How do I help him, I thought? He's ill, it's not his fault. I've got to support him - if I leave, it's just another person who abandons him. Things will change. If I show him all the love in the world and care, he will get better.

The next time my hand got caught in the door he slammed in my face. He thrust his phone in my face, saying 'call the police! go on, call the police!' I started to. He then said 'if you call them, that's it, we're over'. I stopped. Paralysed.

He then said he was suicidal. Twice I got him to hospital. once with the police to 'save' him. Keep him alive. When the police arrived or we got to hospital, he seemed ok. He went to an inpatient clinic voluntarily. I would drive down the freeway crying to go visit him after a full day at work. I was exhausted. He left 6 days later, agitated that he wasn't sleeping.

I talked too much. He would put his finger against my lips to shut me up. I stayed silent. When I had a cold, my cough went straight through him. So I left the room and tried to cough quietly. He got angry with me if he couldn't sleep. He would go to the spare room and the next day be angry with me because he went to the spare room. When I had a coughing fit after eating some dinner he'd cooked (I had a sore throat), he screamed at me to stop coughing. He grabbed the dinner and threw it in the bin. He then went to the bathroom to throw up himself saying he couldn't have the food in him.

I got so overwhelmed. I couldn't make it to the post office without crying. I couldn't breathe. I wanted it all to stop. I overdosed. When the ambulance and police arrived, they asked if I wanted them to call my husband. I said no - he will be so angry with me. He was. He wouldn't leave the emergency room when the psychiatrist came to see me. I couldn't tell them why I was so overwhelmed. They put it down to me doing too much.

He got angry that I didn't get to a psychiatrist quickly enough. He seemed happy I was on medication.

It seemed to get better. The arguments stopped. I was good and meek when I needed to be. Quiet.

Then he exploded. He threw a casserole dish and it shattered. He grabbed me and pushed me down the hallway, against the back of the sofa and over it. I screamed. I got my phone and called the police - 'That's it, we're getting a divorce if you call them!'. I kept dialling. He ran off to the police station before I finished on the phone. He said I was 'at him' and that he was worried he might have scared me. The police came around. They took out a safety notice. I have never been so thankful in my life.

With him out of the house, I started to sleep again. I suddenly felt relaxed. He went missing, saying goodbye to everyone, saying he was going to kill himself. Next thing he'd booked somewhere for 5 nights to stay. At court he said because he was mentally struggling, he should get to stay in the house and I should move out. Magistrates issued an intervention order against him. His solicitor corresponded with me to say I had over-reacted and as such the police had over-reacted. Family violence is all over the media. The police panic.

I called his ex-wife. He's always been like this. She said 'welcome to the club'. 'Be strong'. He will fight you all the way.

I've finally started calling long lost friends. I have a lawyer.

I've seen the light. I'm not going back.