I Thought I Deserved It

By Jenny

I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years. The violence began in the first year of the marriage.

I got pregnant on my wedding night so I felt I had to stay in the relationship for the sake of my child. Also my Catholic upbringing caused me to see no way out. Divorce wasn't acceptable and of course we all have "a cross to bear"! Remember this was 1970.

I was young, very young. I had just turned 21 years old two days before my wedding. My husband was 9 years older than me. He worked as a university tutor. I admired him.

I needed to be with him because I wanted to leave my primary family. My parents were refugees from World War 2 and because they were so traumatised by this war they were very dysfunctional. My father turned to alcohol to cope and my mother suffered from a mental illness. I grew up feeling unloved and as a result I believed I was bad. It was my fault that I was unlovable.

When I met my husband who said he loved me, I felt at last I would get the love I so much wanted. I was completely blind to his anger; to his own insecurity; to his need for control; to his drinking habits.....

When he started to hit me I thought that I deserved it. I am bad of course. I did what I could to make him happy so that he would love me. I was insecure and I needed to have him in my life. Besides where could I go?

I believed him when he criticised me that I was wrong, that I was not doing the right thing and so I put up with the violence. I deserved it.

He had control of everything. He managed the finances and he made the major decisions.

He was particularly violent after drinking. I really felt in danger of my life at these times. I would run out into the garden and hide until he feel asleep.

I became emotionally distant from him and I did not enjoy having sex with him. He was rough and on many occasions he would force himself on me. And I just put up with it! It is a wife's duty after all!

We had a second child. After that, I did not want to get pregnant again. I was worried that this would happen. I was a "good Catholic" so I did take take any contraceptives.

He didn't like my friends. He would put them down saying that they were a bad influence on me. He didn't like me going out to see my friends. I could not bring them home.

So I felt isolated. I did talk about the violence to anyone not even my primary family. I was ashamed. I felt that it was my fault that he was violent towards me.

My daughters were traumatised from seeing their mother being hit and yelled at and particularly at those times when I left the house to hide out side. They didn't know that I would come back.

He was a good father to them until they reached adolescence. Then he turned on them. I became afraid for them and after many pleas from them to leave him, I did.

I did not tell him I was leaving. I was afraid he would kill me. I did it on the sly.

That was 26 years ago.........

Today I run a successful psychology practice. I live alone and I am happy. My daughters and I have a good relationship. They do not see their father. Neither do I. I feel good about myself and I love my life.