My Choice Now

By Maddy

I lived family violence for close to 10 years. In that time I experienced abuse including emotional, physical and sexual abuse. His attempts to take control of me and our family changed who I am and how I see the world and will stay with me forever. My journey from being a victim to a survivor truly began when I started to understand that it came down to choice. For all of those years it was his choice to be abusive. He always could have made different choices and stopped but he didn't. I chose to leave him and now it is my choice how I use my experience, how I rebuild and how the story will be told. I won’t ever forget the bad, but I can choose to focus on what it taught me and what I gained from it. So this is my story.

Living with him taught me how to be resourceful. He had control of every dollar that came into the house. He tried to control what I did, where I went, what I looked like and who I spent time with. He tried to control everything about who I was. So I learnt to become creative. I found ways to do fun activities with the kids. I found ways to stay in contact with friends and connect with new people. I learnt to manage a very tight budget. I found support that was helpful and that he would overlook. I also learnt ways to stay true to myself, even if it meant putting it to the side for a while or making it less visible.

My experience taught me to appreciate and value the small and ordinary moments. Often I found happiness and love in the everyday hours when he was at work because it was breathing space to enjoy the kids doing normal things. Some of my most cherished memories come in thinking about the quiet moments spent cuddling with the kids, reading with them, dancing around the house together or playing outside.

Family violence also taught me resilience. Time and time again it felt like I was being kicked down. So many times it felt too hard and I wanted to give up. But I never did. For lots of different reasons in lots of different ways I bounced back each time. Despite having some very dark times, my track record for surviving and pushing on was always and still is 100%.

His attacks damaged the way I saw myself and my self-esteem but in leaving him I have found the freedom to begin to really explore who I am and to value myself as more than a mum or someone’s partner. I’m a person who is worth much more than his assessment of me and I know I will never be measured by someone else again.

I also learnt that strength shines in many different ways. I can see strength in the courage that it takes to stand up to someone who is controlling. Strength can be seen in the determination it takes to leave and start a new life. Strength is also in staying and enduring something horrible because you don’t know what else to do, you have no other choice or because it is more dangerous to leave.

I get to choose how the story will end now too. Although there are times when I feel hurt, frustrated or sad I know that I will continue to push on and use what I have to keep thriving always. Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to be in another relationship but I also know that if I choose to be patient, I will continue to heal and I one day I will able to trust someone again. I choose to break the cycle for our children and I will never stop fighting for their right to live safely and freely in every way. My story will include a lifelong fight against family violence because it is never ok to choose to abuse someone. No-one ever deserves to be abused and there is never an excuse for family violence. I will also choose to be unapologetically me from now on because the me I was wasn't bad, stupid or crazy and I can finally see that now.

I am who I am because of how I choose to see my experiences and stories. It's my choice now.